A life I've never lived

My life is different now. And it's different in a way that allows me to see how what seemed different before was largely more of the same.

I'm not saying my life is better now. Nor that it's worse. But rather that the overall flavor has changed.

For about twenty years--from my college graduation through the end of 2008--my life was largely variations on a theme. There were wonderful times and some lousy times and a bunch of plain ol' run-of-the-mill times. But my life was characterized by a certain set of assumptions about what I wanted and who I was.

Last year was a transition year. Last year was a fire year. Last year was just about as bad a time as I've ever had.

This year seemed to be starting out on the same footing. But when I felt myself at my lowest, I listened to a friend and took a drive to the coast. Standing on the beach, I opened myself up to the universe and asked for a sign. And within a couple of hours, a conversation with a stranger made all the difference. She simply said a few words that turned on the lights in a darkened room, and in that moment I saw where I was going again.

I don't know exactly what next year is going to look like, but I know it will be different than this year. I don't know what 2012 will be like, but I know it will be a change from 2011. For much of the last 20 years, I wouldn't have said that. Despite the apparent drama of those times, I pretty much knew what I'd be doing: striving for love, working a high tech job. For much of those two decades, in fact, the changes that seemed so monumental from season to season were, in retrospect, pretty minor. Fabulous and wonderful and heartbreaking... but not in ways that called on me to push myself much or grow in any significant ways.

I'm finally dangling my feet into a new pond... learning new skills for work in a new industry. Starting at the bottom again. Continuing to learn. Being unable to coast anymore. Looking at working two jobs and going to school at the same time, struggling in ways that I never had to the first time around. Living with new priorities.

Maybe this feeling right now is a delusion. Maybe in 20 years I'll look back and think that these times were no different than any of the others. And if that's the case, it'll mean that I've got some other lesson to savor.

But everything is telling me right now that my life is different. And I'm going to live it that way.