Taking steps along the way while bared teeth gnash inside

Wednesday night I went to the first session of my EMT-Basic course; it was mostly an orientation. Today was the first full day of instruction. My goal is to get certified and work as an EMT for a year. Doing so will satisfy the healthcare work experience requirement for the physician assistant program in which I'm interested. And in Oregon, EMT-B's are allowed to operate with a larger scope of practice than the national standard specifies.

As I learned some of the basic techniques for stabilizing and transporting patients today, I could visualize myself working as an EMT. I expect that it's going to be a difficult (and sometimes grisly) job, but I know that I'll get great experience that will make me an even better PA than if I went ahead and got my master's without any healthcare background. For the first time in a long time, I've got a clearer picture of getting there.

Still, sometimes it feels like the path just gets longer.

And even with this new clarity I'm feeling about my career change, I am still dragging myself down with thoughts about other problems. If I had only one area of my life that felt like it wasn't working, it would be one thing. But right now I'm not feeling so fortunate.

Today on my drive home from my EMT course, I felt the war of the wolves going on within me, perhaps more acutely than I've ever experienced.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I gotta be careful who I'm feeding. And on that note, it's time to start some practice again, probably meditation.

Om...