The middle of the race

Yesterday was a tumultuous but decisive day... I made the decision to move back to Portland, sooner rather than later. No fall classes at UNLV. It's time. The decision was based on a lot of practical issues, but my difficulty in finding someone to join me for happy hour in Vegas underscored the decision. While I spent the evening calling, texting, emailing, and chatting with friends in San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Portland, I just couldn't find anyone to do anything with locally.

I ended up watching Revolutionary Road last night (here's an excellent review, which I may think is excellent since Ebert uses the same word I used to describe the movie: "devastating").

I was texting with a friend about it this morning. He thought the acting was superb, though the ending "somewhat predictable." I completely agree about the acting: Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio were amazing. But his comment spurred this thought:

I think I'll appreciate it a little more with some distance. If the ending was predictable, I think it's because endings are. No matter how close we fly to the sun, it's pretty obvious what will happen in the end.

And in reference to our mutual confusion as we make our navigate our way across the landscape of urban gay life:

As for us and confusion and convention... it seems oddly connected to the movie. Or perhaps I'm just seeing that because it's where I am right now. Life is often a mystery. And random. And its unpredictableness--especially in the face of its ultimate predictability--is the source of much of its beauty.

Right now life seems its most confusing. And for the first time I'm seeing a somewhat obvious reason for that. I'm reminded of a day 25 years ago when I was running in a cross country meet hosted by my high school. It was our own course, so you'd think that I'd know my way across it. But halfway through I was in the lead, which in itself was unusual. I had to stop because I got lost and didn't know which was to go... I had always had someone ahead of me to follow.

I'm roughly halfway through my life right now. I have neither the starting line nor the finish line in view, no clear landmarks of where I started or where I'm going to end up, and no one ahead of me to show the way. I'm just out here in the middle, making my own way, trying to find my path.

I know how it's going to end up, after all. I just have to figure out what to do with the time between now and then.