And so it ends

Two thousand and eight ends tonight.

I remember exactly how the year began. The arc of that night is in some ways the reverse of the arc that the year followed. That night began with a fight and ended with a feeling of being more in love with Victor than I had ever began. But while 2008 began on that high note, it ends with Victor and I going our separate ways.

I moved to Las Vegas for love, but I am staying for entirely different reasons. I had no plan for my life when I arrived. Now I know what I want to do with the second half of my journey. For that I will always be grateful, Victor.

It's been a year of growth and of finally slowing down. It's had the usual share of highs and lows, but what's been constant is the inexorable forward movement of school: semester followed by semester, class by class, exam by exam. I've been in session almost continuously since last January and have completed 42 units. I'm happy with what I've learned, I'm happy with my grades. I'm happy with my path.

I've had unexpected moments of homesickness for Vegas during my two weeks here in San Francisco, but I've also been reminded of what I've left behind. Sometimes it's the small things that loom largest. Like having coffee at Peet's on Market surrounded by other gay men who are enjoying their community. Or walking on wet streets... especially the walking part. Simply being in a place where people walk.

I've had the chance to see a lot of old friends which is exactly what I wanted. On Christmas Day I learned that Manuel is an amazing cook. That night I learned that Hoi is a poet.

I watched Milk with Antonio and remembered some of the history that has enabled me to live my life the way I've wanted. In 1988 I marched down Market Street in a candlelight vigil marking the tenth anniversary of Harvey Milk's assassination. This year was the 30th anniversary. How is it that more of my life has come after a night that commemorated something that seemed then like ancient history than between that night and the event itself?

Last Saturday Tommy and I saw Insignficant Others, a musical written by my friend Jay Kuo. Jay Jay and I came out around the same time at Stanford. Watching his story about five twenty-something friends who move to the Bay Area reminded me of so many things that I've experienced since I came here in 1985.

All in all, it's been one of my better visits to my old hometown. I've had a lot of clarity into what I want and don't want; what I want to carry forward from the past and what I am ready to leave behind. And maybe, just maybe, I've learned that I may have left my heart in San Francisco.

BUT FOR NOW I will simply celebrate the new year here in the City. I'll return to Vegas to finish moving into my apartment. I'll start classes toward the end of January. Life goes on.

Hello, 2009. You're going to be a great one.