What I learned today

I submitted my "what I've been doing the past 20 years" page for my college 20th reunion today. I listed running as something that I missed from those long ago days. And I claimed to have gained some wisdom along the way but admitted to still carrying some of my oldest fears.

Apparently I set myself up for an insight, because I went for a run, and on my way home I made some sense of what I had been experiencing all morning.

I had been feeling sad about a missed opportunity, but it wasn't the sadness which had left me so distraught. It was how I felt alone in my sadness, and how I resisted Victor's efforts to suggest solutions.

What I saw is that I don't doubt my ability to solve my problems... and in writing that I see something else: that if I have a problem that I don't think I can solve, I don't think anyone can solve it.

But what I can't do is comfort myself, and so I look to someone else to do that. And when I say "comfort," I'm talking about being comforted the way Mom comforted me: being held, whether literally or figuratively.

Over the years most people have responded to me in this situation, logically enough, by trying to help me resolve the issue I'm confronting. And when they try to help me solve the problem, I find myself misunderstood and, yes, even sadder.

So... thank you, Victor, for trying to help. And thank you, Stanford, for reminding me that I have a choice about how I live my life.